**Now, this post is somehow making it out of the woodwork earlier than my original post.. not yet complete. I will post it eventually- I think.**
Happy Birthday.
You know who you are.
It has been just over a year and a half since you left. There isn't a day that I don't miss you. There isn't a day that I don't wonder where you are. There isn't a night that I don't look at the stars and hope that you see me...
This isn't getting "easier".
...and today, it's really hard.
Today, your beautiful soul turns 29 - but your body isn't here to celebrate.
Today, 2 years ago, is the last time I talked to you. Which is something I will regret for the rest of my life.
Today, we celebrate a life cut short.
Today, 29 years ago, your mother became a mother.
Today, my heart hurts.
I just want to let you know how much I miss you. I want you to know that, I will never understand why you had to leave. I will never understand your pain.
You had this great light about you. You always smiled through it. I saw you as a strong young woman who tried really hard to achieve your goals. I even remember you texting me once, out of the blue, to ask about something. It was a subject that I didn't think that you would ever consider, but I was glad that you asked me. It was kind of a turning point because it was the first sign that we weren't all kids anymore - which is funny, because you getting married a few months before that never really solidified that for me. I'm glad you came to me. I'm glad that you felt you could come to me.
I remember you coming to visit me a few months before you got married, and I remember thinking how happy you were. You were glowing - you were giddy and funny - so happy.
I remember when you and your sister came to visit a couple years before that too. You were making a long drive back from the East Coast and, even after the long drive, you still found amazing things to say about it. "The trees are sooo pretty" (Now, if you know the area I live in, the trees really ARE pretty - but it's something that someone who lives in a bigger city definitely appreciates more). Watching you with my children was amazing. You were so kind, loving. My daughter was in her veeerrrrrrry inquisitive phase and asked you a bunch of questions. I don't remember the questions, but you handled it like a pro... you sat with them, played with them, joked, laughed... something you perfected as a big sister <3
I remember when I was going through probably THE worst time in my life. I was making horrible choices. One day, there you were. I know we were going to lunch. I remember how you looked at me. It was like you saw past everything and ignored it. You looked at me like I could do no wrong. I felt like crap inside, and you still looked at me like we were kids (we still were I guess, I was 19 and you were 16). I thank you for that. It felt like you were the only one who saw past my faults at the time. Thank you.
Today is so hard.
There will be posts on Facebook, and I will try to read them all. No. I WILL read them all. But, in my usual way, that even I don't understand, I will not acknowledge them. One day I will have the strength, but not yet.
Until then...
Happy Birthday, Cousin.
I love you. I hope you have a fabulous birthday, wherever you are. I hope you can feel the love we have for you.
Strong, beautiful, caring, kind, funny, delicate, stubborn, witty, soft, smart, proud, sophisticated, friendly, generous... just a short list of you. You were so much more.
I love you.
